PBS broke; shuts down entire operation; moves to Substack

Multiple news outlets report the giant federally funded and viewer supported network is dead broke.

And is moving what’s left of its programming to Substack.

PBS CEO Ima Gnot talked to reporters outside her home on Martha’s Vineyard:

“It’s the fund drives. They sank us. Most of the old rock stars we used to promote those drives are dead. It happens. Old people pass away.”

“And our main viewership, we discovered, resides in nursing homes and retirement villages. They’re passing away, too.”

Professor Hiram Schwartz Fortunato, chairman of the Brain Studies Unit at MIT, told the Boston Globe, “We did a study last year that analyzed the national PBS news broadcasts. It turns out the people they employ, the anchors, transmit a special ‘leveling’ frequency that mesmerizes several key brain centers. In particular, Judy Woodruff, who retired last year, and Christiane Amanpour could be thought of as sleep gas. Amanpour also delivers an odd low-pitched wave length that reminds viewers of the word ‘beer’. We still don’t understand that. But most PBS viewers are not friendly toward beer. They prefer wine. Especially the pretentious California brands that try to compete with the French.”

I caught up with Eloise Fred X-Binary Leftwich, who is managing the PBS move to Substack. She told me the fund drives will continue on a very limited basis, but now staff will be donating their own possessions to viewers who send money.

“One of our long-time executives, Mike Brest Ivy, has collected dead garter snakes for decades. He stuffs them and keeps them in his bedroom, in bureaus. While supplies last, Mike will be sending a snake to every viewer who contributes $175 or more in a given year. And I have doilies and Native American carvings.”

The PBS Substack will feature 175 writers who have been working for the network. They’ll pen articles.

The 175 have formed a Collective. The Social of Substack. SS. They’ll evenly divide the proceeds from subscriptions.

I asked Leftwich whether each writer will contribute equally to the output of articles.